it's been a little while since the last one (oops!). i tried really hard to get this done way back in febuary but my mental illness got really bad and i almost got hospitalized and now i'm like stupid behind on my work (again). anyways, i'm like medicated now (it isn't helping but it sounds nice) so here's the blog. half of this was written in febuary, the other half written in april. enjoy (or don't, it's your life so like whatever).

things have gotten better since we last spoke

written in february

I'm starting to understand that the current (as of, like, February the 9th) state of the website and the other two blogs I did may be a little concerning? That's probably because the state of my life was concerning. I have, however - through therapy, self-improvement, and other dorky ass activities - pulled myself together (somewhat). That isn't to say I've fixed everything going on, but I am starting to. Mostly.

I find myself a little nervewracked when things are going well, I've always kind of had the mindset that everything good in life is followed by an equal or worse event; I wouldn't say that there is any reasoning behind it but I feel like, for the most part, it's always proven true. The scary thing is, give for a week(ish) of a depressive episode, nothing has really happened. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining in the slightest - it's actually been a pretty hefty relief following the shitshow that I had going on last year. Mentally, at least, I've gotten over a hefty sum of burnout and I've been feeling a lot more productive and I've been able to concentrate enough to read books and watch movies without getting too antsy: although I still find it frustratingly exhausting to write anything that isn't some short piece of my thoughts.

That being said, I think things are starting to look up for me. I'm feeling better, getting projects rolling again, and getting involved in things that I enjoy rather than forcing myself into whatevers for academics or social pressures. I think (or, at least, I hope) that I've been bettering myself on the personality front. I've been trying to be kinder to others (and myself, sometimes) and breaking habits that came from toxic backgrounds - generally trying not to be as insufferable as I used to find myself (rationally, I don't think I was that bad) whilst avoiding the personality archetype of a yes-man.

recluse

written in april

I feel like it's fairly obvious from the fact that I write essay length blogs on a neocities page but i am not a very social person. Not that I am incapable of socializing - those who know me may be familiar with the "cult" surrounding me, I feel that is sufficient proof that I at least possess the ability to speak - but I just hate it. I haven't always been this way, maybe a little shy around strangers but otherwise very outgoing and willing to hang out with people both online and in the real. I don't really know why, maybe it's a mental illness development or just a me thing, but I've gotten around to disliking people a lot more frequently - moreso in person rather than online. I've dreaded social interaction, particularly with more recent friends, and spending time with people has felt more like a chore and a social obligation rather than a voluntary, fun thing.

reclaiming lost time

written in february

I often feel like I've wasted so much of my life. I've brought this up before in therapy a few times with the general idea that I was so mentally ill and in such an unlucky position for so many years that most of my time was spent essentially escaping and coping with what was going on. I guess that makes sense, I spent so much time just stuck in bed sleeping or rotting. And, the thing is, I was completely content with this at the time but now that I'm starting to writhe my way out of the filth-pit I am just so far behind. I don't really look at this terribly pessimistically - although I know I'll never be considered 'prodigal' in any way, I still find it upsetting when I see how talented the other people in my circles are in comparison to my own. Then my own health is an issue - I've been working my ass off just to get back to healthy benchmarks: eating better, exercising, and the mile-long list of things I have to do to keep my mental health tolerable.

The Overwhelming Desire to be Interesting

written in april

rain to stop! off and on! wet!!